Honourable women

“We had been very close, me and my mother, but all that changed the moment my breasts started to bud and I had my first period. The only thing she was interested in now was my virginity. She was always preaching about the things I should never/ever/not even in my wildest dreams do. Not once had she told me about what was possible and permissible; her powers of communication were reserved solely for rules and prohibitions. My mother warned me about boys, saying they were after one thing and one thing only. At this age most boys were selfish, and pushy, and many would never grow out of it. Yet she didn’t impose the same rules on my brothers. Yunus was still too little, perhaps, but with Iskender she was totally different, open. Iskender didn’t need to be careful. He could just be himself.

No holds barred.” (Shafak 2012, 284–285)

Tammisalo-Savolainen (2009, 33), who is writing her doctoral thesis concerning the installation of honour violence phenomenon in Finnish society, says that when she started her research, she found out quickly that honour violence is closely related to the sexuality of woman. From the citation above we can notice some ways how a girl's sexuality is started to pay attention at a young age. When looking at the sexuality of woman in historical context, it is found that the men wanted to make sure that their genes would have continuity and the thought of honour was built up on top of this fact³ (Tammisalo-Savolainen 2009, 33 according to Brandon and Hafez 2008, 3–4; Husseini 2009, 101; Sarmaja 2003; Khan 2006, 45). This genome was guaranteed by the virginity

3 Brandon, James & Hafez, Salam 2008: Crimes of the Community: Honour Based Violence in the UK.

The Cromwell Press, Wiltshire; Husseini, Rana 2009: Murder in the Name of Honour. Oneworld Publications, Oxford; Sarmaja, Heikki 2003: Ihmislajin perheenmuodostuksen evoluutiopsykologinen perusta. Yhteiskuntapolitiikka 68 (3), 223–243; Khan, Tahira 2006: Beyond Honour. A Historical Materialist Explanation of Honour Related Violence. University Press, Oxford.

of woman before getting married and continuation of modesty also after getting married⁴ (Tammisalo-Savolainen 2009, 33 according to Brandon and Hafez 2008, 3;

Husseini 2009, 101; Sarmaja 2003).

In the communities where women's untouchability is valued, sexuality often refers to sexual intercourse and hence it is thought that all the contacts with opposite sex will inevitably lead to sexual intercourse. Parents cannot even imagine an option where two people from opposite sex could enjoy friendship and closeness without sexual act.

Sexuality is seen as an uncontrolled power that is really difficult to defeat. (Aapakallio 2014, 8.)

Lidman notes (2015, 209) that in patriarchal cultures the differentiated gender roles and the communal expectations related to them lead typically to the subordinate position of women and highlighting of the idealistic of virginity and modesty. Many times they become aims that lead the life of a girl who is growing to be a woman. As stated before, behaviour, social life and particularly sexuality of women are controlled and ruled in different ways. “A good girl” preserves her untouchability and innocence for her becoming spouse and “a good wife” gives children to her husband as well as takes care of the home and remains faithful. (Ibid.)

The central task of life of woman is to take care of her modesty and to fit to the role of a decent woman (Härkönen 2004, 89). The honour of a woman is combined with modesty and her identity to heteronormative sexuality which refers to the relation she has to a man – if she is a virgin, wife, widow or a bad woman. If this does not fit to the ideal role or if the limits have been crossed, a circle of violence towards a woman may be launched. This is especially likely to happen if things have happened publicly or if they will reach publicity. (Lidman 2015, 212–213.) In the cultures of honour ethics the modesty of girls cannot be emphasized too much. All sexual contacts before marriage and outside of marriage may be experienced extremely shameful for the family.

“Sexual” in this context does not mean only sexual intercourse but it has a wider meaning. It contains some social forms of life that in western culture are kept innocent

4 See the previous Brandon & Hafez; Husseini; Sarmaja.

and non-dangerous. An example could be a simple thing like talking with a boy. (Wikan 2008, 17.)

In cultures where family and kin are the first priority and woman's sexuality is related to control, shame, honour and violence, the attitude of life cannot have its starting point, especially when it comes to women, in achieving own desires and making independent decisions. The life of girls and women is built on honourability which is defined by modesty. In practice it means, first virginity, followed by faithfulness in marriage and motherhood. This principle that structures life is learnt at an early age and it is strongly linked with honouring the parents, valuing own culture and doing decisions rationalized by moral. When looking at the western, individual lifestyle where you are allowed to dress in free, revealing way in public places, the free sexual relationships among young people and adults, plentiful alcohol use and irreligiousness, this all can seem vicious and immoral from the perspective of other culture. It may seem that the old people and family values are not shown respect. In collective culture the behaviour of an individual matters because it is seen to affect the whole community while in western society everyone has a right to make their own decisions and hence carry out their individuality.

(Lidman 2015, 181–182.)

If looking at it from different viewpoints, gender related attitude concerning woman can contain both respectful and limiting elements (ibid., 290). An Iraqi woman, born in 1939, stated that “a girl is like a diamond, something valuable of whom should be protected” (Lidman 2011, 200). The aim of self-determination, however, cannot contain that kind of protection where the starting point is to hinder the own voice of a girl or a woman. Still, this is very common especially in countries where woman's position is weak in many other ways, too. The girls may get into a harmful circle because of the restrictions. The women cannot go and work outside home if, for instance, day care services and social security are almost non existing. They are needed at home to take care of the siblings and help in other ways. The consequence is that the girls are not able to attend school and hence cannot get a profession or learn the abilities that would help them later in adulthood to break the harmful circle. They are married off at a young age even because of financial reasons. Women may also not be able to influence in the

political sphere and they may feel very unsecure in the public space. Thus, the place that is shown to women is home and taking care of production of offspring. To influence on society or a salary work that takes its place in public space, as well as independency related to them, is considered as men's things. (Lidman 2015, 291.)