Humiliation

Other traumatic experiences shared by all three women were the stigmatisation they suffered from fellow women, which they said humiliated them on various occasions.

These women had told that they kept their sexual partners or consorts anonymously.

However, in a small village setting like a community where the research was conducted, everyone knows what goes on in her neighbours’ compound. One cannot be discreet enough:

“My sexual partners were married men. I suffered humiliation and name calling from their wives. One of them gave me the mark on my chin. I was hurt when the wife of my sexual partner shouted at me that if I wanted a man for a husband, I would not have been married to a female husband” (38-year old young woman B).

“The biological father of two of my children is a married man. His wife calls me names each time our paths cross in the community. I am emotionally stressed and feel stigmatised” (28-year old young woman C).

These two young women claimed that they were not aware of the fact that the men they had chosen as sexual partners had wives. One of them said:

“When I met him, he said, he had no wife. I heard later that he had a wife and two children” (28-year old young woman C).

The other woman lamented her sexual partner told her he had only one wife, but she discovered later that the man had three wives. The claims of these young women could be genuine, considering that they were not locals of the village where they now lived. They might also have had their motives of choosing the men they wanted as secret lovers.

“I was young and naïve; I thought by falling in love with a mature man, he would be in the position of assisting me financially” (28-year old young woman C).

Whatever their motives, all three young women had suffered humiliation and intimidation from their lovers’ wives. With all indications from the data gathered, the sexual partners (Abatwari) had been mean and deceitful in many ways both towards their wives and towards the young women in the Nyumba Ntobhu household.

These men spent more time with their sexual partners, neglecting their family and their obligations in their home. Naturally, their wives had to know about their concubines. While Kuria society is polygamous, these lawful wives do not accept the Nyumba Ntobhu young women as their co-wives. Instead, they perceive these Nyumba Ntobhu women as loose, interfering to destabilize their home. In answer to my

question, what kind of names they were called. The young women told that they were called names like, ‘malaya’ – meaning ‘prostitute,’ ‘man snatcher,'

‘homewrecker,’ etc.

The young women A, B, and C claimed they felt belittled and put down each time when they ran across the wives of their sexual partners in public places, such as at the market, on the way to the stream to fetch water, or in other locations in the village. This name calling, labelling the young women as loose, tainted their image and dignity in the community. The 38-year old young woman explained that she was traumatised because of the name calling. She decided to fight back the wife of her sexual partner with aggression, unfortunately, in the course of the fight; her Umutwari’s wife left her an ugly mark on her chin. It was an experience she said that has left her a scar not only on her face but also in her heart.

There were indications in the narratives of the young women about the sexual harassment they encountered in the Nyumba Ntobhu household; they found their experiences both humiliating and to be a societal taboo. The three younger women said that at one time or another, they had faced sexual harassment with some family members. For example, traditionally, it is a taboo in Kuria culture for the husband (if any), of the Nyumba Ntobhu mother-in-law, to have any sexual contact with the young woman who is married to the Nyumba Ntobhu wife. This is because he is considered the father-in-law to the married woman. Issues such as these are very complicated, and could not be captured wholly through the kind of fragmentary analysis used in this study. However, the complexity could be captured partially through the narrative of young women ‘A’, which reflects the continual sexual harassment and other violations she endured from her the father-in-law.

The young woman ‘A’, whom I shall name Ghati, demonstrates the complexity of her experience and shows her vulnerable position in the Nyumba Ntobhu marriage institution. (In this narrative, I use pseudonyms: Mzee Peter is the father-in-law and Mama Bhoke the female husband).

Ghati was married into the Nyumba Ntobhu homestead at the age of 15 years.

Mama Bhoke, her Nyumba Ntobhu mother-in-law, told to her that the house was poor because it did not have a male child. Unlike most other Nyumba Ntobhu young women, Ghati was given the freedom to choose her own sexual partner in the community with whom she would have children. She soon found her consort – the Umutwari. In less than ten years, she had four children, two girls and two boys with him. There was great joy at the birth of the third child who was her first son. She decided to introduce her sexual partner to the Nyumba Ntobhu household. Shortly after, she had the second baby boy, her consort moved to a far-off village. Thereafter,

she got involved with a new Umutwari, and in the following three years, she had two baby girls, bringing the total number of children to six. All was well and happy for her in the Nyumba Ntobhu family, until shortly after the birth of her fifth child.

Ghati told that Mzee Peter called her one evening to discuss his plans for her.

However, before disclosing the plans, Mzee Peter thanked Ghati for giving the Nyumba Ntobhu household two sons and also for being such a hard working woman.

He then told Ghati that he wanted to establish a foodstuff and animal rearing (maize, goats and sheep) business for her in Musoma city, the regional capital. Mzee Peter went on to say, he would rent her a house in the city and he would be visiting with the supplies occasionally. Ghati thought the idea was excellent because it would help her financially to care for her children better. She also felt her children would have a good education in the city.

Before Ghati could discuss her good news with Mama Bhoke, (her Nyumba Ntobhu mother-in-law), Mzee Peter visited Ghati’s hut that night to initiate a secret love relationship. Thinking that he was drunk and might have missed his way, Ghati decided to lead him to his hut, but Mzee Peter began harassing her trying to take advantage of her sexually. Ghati reminded him he is her father-in-law. Moreover, it is a taboo to have a sexual relationship with him because she was not married to the homestead to be his lover. Mzee Peter became annoyed and said he would teach her a lesson for refusing him. What followed next was misery and sadness: life was never the same for Ghati after that night. Her problem became worse when she told Mama Bhoke about this encounter with her husband.

The poorest young women in most communities are the most vulnerable to rape.

On this occasion, it is a ‘father-in-law’ exerting his power. Mzee Peter tried using his power over Ghati to manipulate her and abuse her sexually. When he did not get his way, Ghati not only suffered intimidations and verbal abuse but unbearable economic hardships. The privations were extended to all those connected with her - Mama Bhoke (Nyumba Ntobhu mother-in-law) and her children had a share in Ghati’s suffering. Mzee Peter evicted them from the homestead, destroying Ghati’s hut and depriving her of farming on the land since 2011. Above all, Mzee Peter cursed and forbade both Mama Bhoke and Ghati from eating the crops they had harvested the previous year threatening them that a spell had been put on the foodstuff. The belief in this area is that a bad omen would befall both women if they ate any food product harvested on Mzee Peter’s farmland.

Ghati expressed that her experience affected her psychologically. She cried a lot and felt hopeless about how to redeem herself. Besides, she realised that her female husband was in a weak position and could not protect her. She said the following:

Mama mkwe wangu hana uwezo wa kupigania haki zangu ndani ya hii ndoa ya Nyumba Ntobhu. Meaning – “My mother-in-law hasn’t the power to fight for my rights in this Nyumba Ntobhu marriage.”

Mama Bhoke admitted that she was powerless in the household when it came to decision making. ‘Her husband rules.’

“When I sought help from the police station, the police on duty told me it was a family matter and that such problems should be resolved within the family”

(Mama Boke).

According to Ghati, the clan elders summoned Mzee Peter but he refused to co-operate. He sat in silence without answering any questions. The clan elders took the case to the ‘Baraza la Kijiji’, which is the village council members and later to the

‘Baraza la Kata’, the ward council members. At both council meetings, Mzee Peter refused to cooperate. Ghati went to seek justice for her children from a community based organization (CBO) known as ‘Nguvu Kazi Kyanyari’, which advocates for children and women’s rights. The CBO activists intervened. The case was still pending when I interviewed Ghati in February 2012.