Gaining Love, Validation and Protection as the Authentic Self

The core category in the present study was “lack of gaining love, validation and protection as the authentic self.” Throughout the data there were two factors that were evaluated as the most important factors for human well-being and meaningful life. They were love and security. Finnish people who participated in this study emphasized the importance of the experience of parents’ and other significant ones’ love that was not only shown through specific actions or words but that inspired an overall feeling of being attenuated and connected with others and being understood, respected and valued by them. The data showed that all this was yearned to happen with and according to one’s authentic self. Earning others’

love and respect with the inauthentic self did not fill this yearning but was instead a source for feelings of shame. Acting against one’s authentic needs, desires and standards and earning others’ acceptance by acting according to hypothesized or real standards, wishes and hopes of them caused uncomfortable and anxious feelings and made them feel ashamed.

Striving for perfectionism or searching for love and acceptance by succeeding in the areas that were important for self-worth could satisfy some of the needs to feel important and unique but in the long-term caused emptiness, mixed feelings and even anxiety. Disowning or hiding those parts of the authentic self that were expected to cause rejection or criticism in loved ones made people fear exposure and being ashamed. In addition, keeping

“unwelcomed” parts of the self hidden and buried in the unconsciousness and living with an inauthentic self requires a lot of energy.

In addition to love and validation in close relationships, there is also a need for feelings of security. To feel secure one needs the assurance that there is always a parent or someone else who will not reject or abandon one. Although an individual might be strong to provide their own sense of security, other sources of security fail to fill their expectations, standards or wishes. A similar concept to security is safety, an important factor in children’s and adolescents’ well-being but not so much for the development of their shame-proneness.

Feeling unsafe in childhood might not be as devastating to the child’s developing a shame-prone tendency if he or she can feel that there is someone stronger who loves, supports, protects and takes care of him or her.

Research supports these findings of the importance of love and security in the development of shame-proneness and psychological well-being. Bennet argued that “from early development the need to have secure attachments and the need to be validated by parents are inextricably related.”⁹⁷⁶ Gilbert et al. noted that a lack of love may leave a child unhappy and insecure but hostility and fear in childhood may increase vulnerability to psychological problems.⁹⁷⁷ This supports the findings of the present study that showed that some children go through intensive rejection and abusive experiences and develop internalized shame while others who felt a lack of love and misattunement with their significant ones do not develop internalized shame. Research also supported the findings of the present study on the importance of love and validation for the authentic self. Kinston noted that parents’ love, closeness and validation need to be based on the child’s uniqueness including his or her particular constellation of feelings, needs, and wishes. When the child’s unique personal

976 Bennett 2006, 52.

977 Gilbert, Cheung, Grandfield, Campey & Irons 2003, 113.

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identity is disregarded or violated by offering a sense of love and validation as the prize for living up to parental expectations the child feels ashamed.⁹⁷⁸ Loader admitted that parents shape their child’s personality to some extent and use shaming as a part of their parenting practices. Anyhow, when shaming occurs to the exclusion of the child’s uniqueness it represents a serious threat.⁹⁷⁹ Wells and Jones’s research indicated also that shame-prone individuals with narcissistic and masochistic personality characteristics learn to deny their authentic self in response to parental demands and conditional love. When they feel devalued and rejected for their authentic self they feel shame for and lose touch with their true needs, values, and desires.⁹⁸⁰ Elsewhere research showed that when individuals were asked why they engaged in inauthentic self-behavior they said that they perceived that their true selves were not liked by parents, peers and other significant ones. Feeling unaccepted for their real self they did not only feel devalued by others but they also learned to devalue themselves.⁹⁸¹ According to the findings of the present study, individuals with inauthentic selves often feel that there is something missing in their life although they do not always know exactly what it is. This seems to be true especially for those with high but fragile self-esteem who demonstrate the features of socially prescribed perfectionism and a dismissing attachment style. They feel that something is holding them back and they cannot just let it go. Deep inside they have a desire to find their real self and to learn to be honest with themselves and others. These findings are in line with the theories of shame and authenticity. The study of Lopez and Rice showed an especially robust negative correlation between the scores on the authenticity scale and the scores on attachment avoidance. The results were in line with the views that “inauthentic self-behavior in intimate relationships is conceptually linked to experiences of shame, self-disorganization, and attachment insecurity.”⁹⁸² Berger’s definition of the authentic self that shows individuals with inauthentic selves feel that their behaviors are contrary to their core being, although participants were not sure what that core being was in line with in the present study.⁹⁸³ Winnicot’s proposal that an individual who lives successfully with an inauthentic self might feel all his or her life that he or she has not started to exist supports the experiences of individuals with an inauthentic self who feel that something is missing in their life.⁹⁸⁴ The findings of the present study show also that if an individual is not accepted by others with his or her authentic self he or she will learn either to internalize the devaluation or deny and hide the devalued parts of his or her authentic self and learn to live as his or her inauthentic self. Research showed that children respond differently when parents challenge their personal experiences and authentic behavior. Kernis noted that

“some children may react to the authenticity challenge by denying their own experience (i.e., suppressing their awareness) and embracing that of their parents (e.g., behaving inauthentically by claiming tiredness when a parent says, “You look tired”). Others may react not by denying their own experiences but by distorting them so that they fit with their conceptions of what it is to be good boy or girl (i.e., engage in biased processing).”⁹⁸⁵ Loader

978 Kinston 1987, 223, 229.

979 Loader 1998, 50.

980 Wells & Jones 2000, 21, 23-25.

981 Harter, Marold, Whitesell & Cobbs 1996, 367-371.

982 Lopez & Rice 2006, 365-369.

983 Berger 1998, 438.

984 Winnicott 1965, 142.

985 Kernis 2003, 15.

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claimed that a child who faces his or her parents' consistent disapproval and disappointment either denies his or her need for authentic self-expression and complies with parental expectations or denies his or her need for parental approval and is true to her or himself.⁹⁸⁶ Goldman and Kernis emphasized the importance of authenticity, openness and untruthfulness in one’s close relationships. According to them, an authentic individual does not only act to please others or to get rewarded or avoid punishments, but acts according to his or her own values, preferences and needs.⁹⁸⁷ Feeling generally inadequate and insufficient and acting by pleasing others and denying one’s own needs and wishes by serving and pleasing others is connected to parentification and codependency.⁹⁸⁸ Lopez and Rice claimed that behind an inauthentic behavior is often a fear of rejection or disapproval and beliefs that authentic behavior and truthful disclosures will lead to conflicts that the individual wishes to avoid.⁹⁸⁹ Leary argued that the negative psychological consequences of inauthentic behavior are the result of the fact that an individual does not perceive being adequately valued for who he or she is and feels the stress of fulfillment of others wishes and hopes.⁹⁹⁰ A study by Crocker and Park showed that the pursuit of self-esteem sacrifices autonomy. When individuals who do not feel loved and validated for their authentic self seek to protect, maintain, and enhance their self-esteem, they lose the sense of being in control of their own behavior.⁹⁹¹ In shame literature and research this sense of being helpless and powerlessness and of not having control over one’s own life is connected to shame-proneness.⁹⁹² The individual’s belief that he or she should do something not based on his or her own desire and will but based on others’ pressure is found to engender anxiety and shame.⁹⁹³ Broucek argued that an individual has a need to be someone, mostly subject or both object and subject but not only object, and to feel that he or she is able to control his or her life. According to him, if a child feels like he or she is only an object for his or her parents he or she will feel that his or her status as a subject is ignored and denied and this can result in feelings of shame.⁹⁹⁴ Individuals in the present study wanted to be seen by others as someone of significance. Shame-prone individuals with internalized shame feel that as children they were mostly unimportant to their parents and other significant ones.

986 Loader 1998, 50.

987 Goldman & Kernis 2002, 18-19.

988 Wells, Glickauf-Hughes & Jones 1999, 66-68; Wells, Hill, Brack, Brack & Firestone 2006, 78-80.

989 Lopez & Rice 2006, 364, 368-369.

990 Leary 2003, 53.

991 Crocker & Park 2004, 399.

992 Kaufman 1996, 79; Brown 2006, 46.

993 Ryan, Rigby & King 1993, 586-587.

994 Broucek 1991, 8, 47.

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