P: [...] or like you kinda thought that what if he'll go [to prison] for a longer time now. Like, because he has that kinda history, so you can't know. So well, it was a little, but then on the other hand I didn't really think too much about that 'what if', but I don't know if I am somehow just used to waiting to see how it goes.
This subchapter describes strategies that participants used to adapt to experiences of parental incarceration. As stated in subchapter 4.1 with participants' experiences of knowing the truth, findings suggest use of deidentification from the incarcerated parent or from the crime as an avoidant strategy for negative feelings. Here, the possible motivations for this kind of avoidant behaviour is examined. For one participant it may have been her own perception that she did not have the strategies to cope with disappointments and grief. I asked her, what are the strategies she used when faced with a disappointment, and she replied:
P: Mmh, that's kinda difficult because I don't think I've found it yet. Like, usually if I'm disappointed or sad, I haven't found that thing that is mine, yet. But - I've been horseback riding for quite long. I think that's been something that's like, like you can get away from everything.
The use of avoidant strategies is not necessarily bad or "ineffective" (Bockneck, Anderson &
Britner 2009, 330). Studies have shown that children can find outlets for their feelings in extracurricular activities, such as sports or arts, which help them deal with the stress that parental
incarceration can cause (Nesmith & Ruhland 2008). In the participant's quote, the perceived lack of control over her reactions to disappointments and negative feelings, seems to be more relevant than the use of strategies themselves. In other words, her motivation for the use of avoidant or distraction strategies determined their effectiveness. Similarly, a study with adolescents found their perceived control over themselves and their reactions to give them strength in adapting with parental incarceration (Johnson & Easterling 2015).
The uncertainty, fear, and pain associated with the loss of a family member through imprisonment need to be recognized and acknowledged without fear of being judged for them (Arditti 2012, 103).
One participant reported experiencing bursts of emotions during the time her father had been imprisoned. This had caused strain in the relationship with her mother because they would often argue yet discussing her father's incarceration had not been possible with her mother.
P: Mmm, well when I was little, I didn't know how to like process them that like, they just came out. That like, if I had talked about them but I didn't. So they did come out as those bursts of emotions usually, which of course got me in trouble a little.
I: Did it show at home, in you and your mom's relationship?
P: Yeah, I like used to often like, right when I was little we fought and things like this. You didn't really realise then that it was because you had a family member in there sitting, that like you kinda suffered the sentence too. That maybe you didn't know to think that way then.
The participant also reported getting in trouble for stealing at the age of ten, although she expressed that it had not been due to her father's incarceration. She recalled that it was reported to social services, who had blamed the delinquent behaviour on her family and the incarcerated father. The participant did not appreciate this, describing her behaviour as "acting out" and was protective of her family. While certainly possible that her father's imprisonment had nothing to do with the participant acting out, children's problematic behaviour has been associated with parental separation due to incarceration (Fritsch & Burkhead 1981), especially in situations with lower levels of social support (Murray, Farrington & Sekol 2012, 177).
5.2.1 Searching for resilience
All participants showed resiliency in how they made sense of the experiences of paternal incarceration. In spite of negative risks associated with parental incarceration such as antisocial behaviour, offending, and school failure (Murray & Farrington 2008), none of the participants reported such outcomes or showed signs of problematic behaviour. One participant even expressed that she took better care of herself because of her experiences.
P: [...] So it's kinda like, it makes it so that I don't maybe as easily like, how should I say this, hurt myself. But like not concretely hurt myself, or do you know what I mean?
I interpret this as the participant wanting to express how the absence of her father and her mother's alcoholism had made her independent and self-reliant. She knew how to take care of herself in the absence of her parents. This could be described as "falling into a caregiver role" and taking on adult-like responsibilities, which can have negative consequences for children, but it can also have positive outcomes (Arditti 2012, 131). After all, resiliency is about developing skills to withstand adversities and turn them into strengths (Masten 2001). Likewise, other participants could be described as having adult-like or mature qualities and were able to reflect on their experiences and feelings during the interviews.
Another aspect of making sense of the experience was related to how participants explained their father's incarceration and crime. Interestingly, none of the participants expressed blaming themselves or feeling ashamed or stigmatized because of the parent's incarceration. This may be associated with public attitudes toward crime and punishment (Murray & Farrington 2008, 135).
For example, generally speaking Finnish people do not tend to place blame on the incarcerated person's family and this is especially true when it comes to incarcerated persons' children. One participant felt very strongly about her father's crime and punishment, describing it as a result of
"wrong decisions" he had made when "he was young and very dumb". Recognizing the fact that committing the crime had been her father's choice, the participant did not consider herself, or anyone else, responsible for her father's actions. This may have served as a protective factor against feelings of guilt and shame.
P: Because I've had that really strong perception of right and wrong, and how people should behave and things like that, what are a part of good manners. And like, I'm really
particular about, for example who are my friends, and like. I think it's come from the fact that I've only lived with my mom and have adopted a lot of the same values and things like that.
Arditti (2012, 135) has stressed the importance of caregiver stability and children's positive relationship with a caregiver in mitigating harms associated with a parent's incarceration. Children who have shared values with their parents are also associated with experiencing less discord and conflict at home (Luthar & Zigler 1991, 15). Raised by a mother with a strong moral compass, the participant had adopted the same values and the perception of what is right and wrong. Instead of mulling over the past and her father's incarceration, both which she had no control over, the participant focused on the positive aspects of the experience.
P: Well so that I can say, that I'm a lot more open as a person. Or like more open in a sense that if I hear that someone's been in prison and stuff, then I'm not straight away startled and leaving that situation. Or like because I think like, people make mistakes and like people also do things on purpose. [...] I look at what kind of person they are, and do I feel like they're a danger to me, like.
I: Mm (nodding).
P: That I don't like, I feel that I just have more information and stuff and I think that I wouldn't like go judge. That of course it's a little [tentative] always, when people tell you they've committed a crime. But now I do rather like, look at like, think about the other side of that person and then would judge them by that. And not by the fact that they've been to prison and stuff.
All participants showed compassion and understanding towards offenders and their families. This may be linked to the context of taking control over their lives as suggested by Johnson and Easterling (2015), which helped participants seek positive outcomes from the experiences of having an incarcerated father. Everyone described themselves as being more accepting of different people.
P: Well maybe like, I don't know if we're thinking about my dad, but like thinking about prisoners in general, then like, it's like the majority of people think they're like animals, that they're worth nothing. That like, I don't think that (laughing).
Their attitudes and how they connected with people were deliberate choices that participants had control over. Although participants recognized the uniqueness of their experiences with an incarcerated father, all participants described the incarceration to be something that was normal to them. This helped them be more openminded about prisoners. Another theme consistent with Johnson and Easterling's (2015) findings was helping others. Considered as suggestive of strength through control, helping others in a sense meant influencing others by sharing their experiences (ibid., 258).
P: Well for me personally it's that I, like, would want to help children of prisoners and like, in the future do the kind of work for them when you kind of know what it's like and can put yourself in that position.
Using knowledge the participant had gained from her experiences, she wanted to help other children of prisoners who were going through the same. This was also closely related to the negative experiences the participant had had with telling others about her father's incarceration. Perhaps helping others would also help herself process those experiences.